One Day at Time

After not hearing from Him for five days, not knowing if he was alive or dead. After five days of non stop drinking until HE cant drink anymore He sends a text message, “Hey can you pick me up to get clothes?”  I am going to play the tough guy here “No… you need to find your own way home” He does…  he comes home under the pretense of getting some clothes and possibly a shower, stating he can no longer stand the smell of himself. “I promise mom that is all I want” There is this little knot in my stomach that tells me there is more. He will want to stay just wait and see, he will ask or beg or even cry. I had just decided that I was done, I can feel the anxiety beginning to grow inside me. All the thoughts, can I do it this time? Can I be strong enough to say no… or am I going to be the great enabler once again? I feel the doubt creeping in my thoughts, at least I will know he is safe?

Between conversation with him, telling me how he literally wanted to die and tried to kill himself with an overdose of alcohol in insurmountable proportions and my daughter suggesting one more time with new rules. He has already lost his second chance job after going on this five day drinking binge. Feeling the extreme I cant breath anxiety now stepping all over my chest like an elephant…   what do I do? How can possibly make this choice? Am I literally insane for considering this?  This absurd… this idea of giving him another chance.  I am crazy? OMG… I am crazy!

I had just gone to a meeting and come to the conclusion that I had to stop helping him and help myself, take care of my self and my other child who is still at home. A lot of good that did me.  Looks like I will need to be keeping those Al-anon meetings after all, here we are starting back at scratch again. Maybe this is why they are still going to meetings after 5, 10 and 20 years. So, the plans and the rules were made, we even made a contract that he signed. But, all in all I decided inside myself that I can only take this one day at time, just like the alcoholic. I am not setting my sights to high for a major fall again.

Here we are it’s day 11 and he is still sober and he has made it to 4 meetings and two sponsor calls. It’s been a good 11 days… but I am still waiting for the bottom to drop, but I must say my new take on this one day at time things is working out. Not allow myself to get to ahead of the situation, get my hopes up too high. One day at a time!


First blog post

My first Al-anon meeting

At my wits end and lost, in utter desperation and disbelief not knowing what to do or where to turn my son who recently went through rehab, sober living and completed all 12 steps has relapsed. I am utterly beside myself in complete disbelief. 

All this time I have been so focused on him, making sure he had all he needed to ensure he didn’t have to worry about anything just himself and getting better. He seemed better, looked better, spoke better. Get’s a job right away and BOOM! Cash in hand… what does he do? You got it, right back to his alcohol and I am literally sick inside and out. Mentally and physically exhausted. A friend at work tells me “Al-anon, all you can do is take care of you” “get you healthy” what? me? who cares about me my son is going to die from this god awful disease. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, like it would do any good at all. Completely full of utter exhaustion and complete anxiety I give in to going to Al-anon. 

This meeting is at a local catholic church that I had attended many times with a friend. Feels somewhat comfortable setting due to being familiarity, not completely our of my comfort zone. I think I picked a bad day to come to this one due to the extremely large crowed of people, very overwhelming… I struggle with big crowds anyway and this is was birthday celebrations day, who knew you would celebrate your Al-anon birthday… doesnt seem to me like a day I want to celebrate. I am still not completely sold that this is the kind of thing for me. My emmediate response to to bolt, get the heck out of here. But, I stay… listening to everyone say their prayers, speak on how old they are in Al-anon years and I am wondering is this going to be a life long thing for me, will I always have to recover from my alcoholic?