After not hearing from Him for five days, not knowing if he was alive or dead. After five days of non stop drinking until HE cant drink anymore He sends a text message, “Hey can you pick me up to get clothes?” I am going to play the tough guy here “No… you need to find your own way home” He does… he comes home under the pretense of getting some clothes and possibly a shower, stating he can no longer stand the smell of himself. “I promise mom that is all I want” There is this little knot in my stomach that tells me there is more. He will want to stay just wait and see, he will ask or beg or even cry. I had just decided that I was done, I can feel the anxiety beginning to grow inside me. All the thoughts, can I do it this time? Can I be strong enough to say no… or am I going to be the great enabler once again? I feel the doubt creeping in my thoughts, at least I will know he is safe?
Between conversation with him, telling me how he literally wanted to die and tried to kill himself with an overdose of alcohol in insurmountable proportions and my daughter suggesting one more time with new rules. He has already lost his second chance job after going on this five day drinking binge. Feeling the extreme I cant breath anxiety now stepping all over my chest like an elephant… what do I do? How can possibly make this choice? Am I literally insane for considering this? This absurd… this idea of giving him another chance. I am crazy? OMG… I am crazy!
I had just gone to a meeting and come to the conclusion that I had to stop helping him and help myself, take care of my self and my other child who is still at home. A lot of good that did me. Looks like I will need to be keeping those Al-anon meetings after all, here we are starting back at scratch again. Maybe this is why they are still going to meetings after 5, 10 and 20 years. So, the plans and the rules were made, we even made a contract that he signed. But, all in all I decided inside myself that I can only take this one day at time, just like the alcoholic. I am not setting my sights to high for a major fall again.
Here we are it’s day 11 and he is still sober and he has made it to 4 meetings and two sponsor calls. It’s been a good 11 days… but I am still waiting for the bottom to drop, but I must say my new take on this one day at time things is working out. Not allow myself to get to ahead of the situation, get my hopes up too high. One day at a time!